The Ham Sandwich.
Early Holliday Edition (the happy version, before I go insane, get depressed, get drunk and vomit all over the rug edition)
October 27, 2003
Letter From the Writer, Editor, Ham Sandwich
I know what you all thinking.
(Actual print out of what you are all reading:
I would like to have sex with pretty girls. God I am tired. Does this day ever end. Sex. Dear lord this joke sucks. Am I getting fat. Do I really need my penis enlarged. Do I have big enough boobs. Sex.)
That’s right your all pissy because I haven’t sent the Halloween editon and the thanksgiving edition.
The Ham Sandwich
First Wed Edition
NOW IN COMPUTRICOLOR!!!
Letters to the Writer Editor, Ham Sandwich, and his other Cronies.
After the spectacular return issue, the great wonderful and all powerful corperation of the Ham Sandwich ezine receieved letters from you, the loyal readers. I feel privaliged to read, publish and respond to these letters for, without responces, I would think that I am just writing to myself…of course there is also the chance that I have multiple personalities and none of you exist and I write these letters to myself and only I read this…oh god…am I really the only one out there. On dear lord no. I am so alone.
Matt,
I like the readwich one. lol You crack me up!
Dear Reader,
I am the HAM SANDWICH. Not the readwich. Where the heck did you come up with readwich. What is a readwich, is it like rye bread or something? What does it have to do with me?
The very selfish SANDWICH
Dear Mr. Ham Sandwich
I am a tuna salad sandwich and I am willing to have sex with you. That is all.
Thank you,
Tuna Salad Sandwich
Dear Tuna Sandwich,
It’s about damn time. Please put youself in a box and mail youself to The Ham Sandwich, 17080 Mountain Lake Dr., Monument, CO 80132. I am highly anticipating sticking my large meat into you creamy, moist, wanting tuna.
The Long Hard Ham
you always show up when something weird with girls is going on in my life, and this time it's no different. such a strange thing is going on right now in my life, but the story has no ending yet, once it does, i'll let you know what's going on, it's funny, and sad all at the same time, and maybe it'll make you feel better about your own situation with the opposite sex, hopefully by next week, this ridiculous tale that is my luck with girls will have an ending, and then and only then will anyone else ever find out about it.
ham is a good meat i suppose, though i do enjoy salami, turkey, balony, sausage, pepperoni, mutton, hamburger, pimento loaf, meat loaf (the singer), meat loaf (the meat loaf), gyro meat, chicken, corned beef, mad cow disease beef, spam, canned meat, taco bell beef, meat off of the bottom of a shoe, dog food, cat food, pig food, and shit more than i enjoy ham.
but, whatevs,
peace,
Adam
Dear Reader Adam
Um, ….yeah. I am greatly pleased that you enjoy so many meats, and am interested in your sorted sexual tales, but I must inform you that, I, the Ham sandwich am worshipped by women everywhere(I wish) and have many girl friends right now(lie). Infact they are with me as I type this(lie), and they want to have sex with me(double lie). I have so many women that I have absolutely no use for the cheap fack vagina I bough on the net(35.99 plus shipping and handling).
Thank you for reading,
The horrible liar Sandwich
My Dearest Ham Sandwich,
I am so delighted to be hearing from you again. Without this wonderful world of random chaos I have been utterly lost in this nominal world, seeking some other venue of sanity. Alas I have found none that speak to such extreme depths as the Ham. I cherish every mis-spelled, ill thought, shovenistic comment made by the dear Ham and his crazed associates. I know I am only one of many who live only to hang on your every word and suck in the madness that is your bullshit stories. I look forward to further issues of merriment and laughter and the many letter to the editor such as this.
Love, Your ever adoring fan
QT Evil
Dr QT Evil
Yes I do like cheese,
The Ham of Non-sence
very glad to see you back in form
all my love
char
Dear Char,
Yes the Ham form is my best form,
The form of the Ham
Article 1:
Venturing to the Dance Club, or Hey can I have sex with you for the price of a small alcoholic beverage? No, very well there is another girl over here. Hello, can I have sex with you for the price…
Aww yes, I know what you all are thinking. “Dear god, not another article about the hams misadventures with women and the dating scene. Dear god I wish he would stop writing this blithering crap. Hmm I feel hungry I think I will go get a sandwich.” Well you know what…Shut up. If you read this you must gain some entertainment from it. And people write about what I know and what I know about is rejection-Dating I mean dating. Yes dating. Anway I was wondering around the fridge and wondering what to do when a fellow sandwich appeared out of nowhere and told me that we are going to a “club.” I figure I might as well since all I had to do was write this artivcle make a short film produce a music video, capture france and then be home for work.
End:
If you would like a written transcript of today’s show please send a pretty female, clad in leather, who has no qualms with having sex with a person, or ham sandwich, calling themselves the ham sandwich to 17080 Mountain Lake Dr., Monument, CO 80132.