The Ham Sandwich volume 2 number 2
Love is a Sandwich with extra juicy mayo.
Letter from the writer editor, ham sandwich
Hello all. Umm hmmm, need filler to make this article amusing…hmmm. Aww yes, you may have been wondering why this issue is so late. You see that as a ham sandwich I have a over active sex drive. Anyway I thought that my overactive sex drive was unmatched by anyone in the universe. Well I was proven wrong when I met the tuna salad sandwich. A spicy party snack no to be taken lightly. Anyways the last thing I remember was my walking toward her and asking if her chicken breast (that’s right there are chicken breast in this tuna salad sandwich and you know why? Cause its my damn article and I can do whaever I want.)anyway I asked if her chicken breasts were real. Well the nex think I know is I am laying naked on the ground 3 days later and I have apartly had sex 3 times. I know I have had sex three times because I installed a sex counter on my side which allows me to keep track of the amount of times I have had sex. Well anyways this coundter went from a 2 to a staggering 6. Dear god! Anyway this issue is jam packed with ultra gooiness of the illness we know only as love.
-You holy hamsandwich, Matt Campbell
feedback
Stupendous!! It's so great to have you back in the clutches of hell....
Errr.. I mean Colorado, yeah that's right. The issue is, as always, humerous, and a nice way to forget for just a moment, my life sucks too. And if I were more attractive, I might be a lesbian. :)
Welcome home, Hammy.
Hugs and Kisses
Gwen
I also received an reply from an adam of greely Colorado but I somehow lost it.
Could there be love in the ham’s live,
The tuna salad sandwich
Finger foods
The Christmas Article. Into days article we see a herd of cute littles squirles. Look how they…AAGGGGGGHHHHH!! Their attaking. Get away you filthy varmints. AGGGGHHHHHH!! SEND HELP!!!
Well this Christmas and new years was slightly less depressing then previos years, for at least this year I had some depressed friends and family to soak my depressed sorrows in alcohol with. As the ham sandwich , a pillar of the literary community no matter how much they all laugh at me, I in no way condone heavy drinking to drown your sorrows, but the uforic state you feel when are laying on the side of the toilet trying to make the world stop spinning and catch that wascally wabbit is a feeling that cannot be described, it must be experienced.
Women, The cause and solution to all of lifes problems…? Or is that Beer. I forget.
I'm middle aged.
Half my life is over.
And I've realized something.
Carpe Diem doesn't exist.
People Do not seize the day.
People do not live their lives.
People are afraid to live their lives.
People think that there will always be time to live their lives later.
I was telling this to a friend in an IHOP restruant.
The waiter over heard me.
Also a friend.
He said "I live my life to the fullest everyday".
I said "You're working in an IHOP".
He said "You need to live not only for the present but for the future".
He was living at IHOP in the present, for the future.
I said nothing.
He walked away to serve another table.
He was young.
21, maybe 22.
He's probably only Quarter aged.
He didn't realize that he had just proved my point.
People think that there will always be time to live their lives later. How long do you live for the future before the future arrives?
There's really only now.
And now.
And now.
Do you wait until you're Middle aged?
3/4 aged?
5/8 aged?
When does 'then' become 'now'?
The answer is never.
The future is never here.
Before it even gets here it's gone.
For a life time it's the future.
For a life time it's the past.
Why live for something you can't touch?
The year 2004 doesn't exist.
The month of May, 2003 doesn't exist.
The day of January 30th, 2003 doesn't exist.
Tomorrow doesn't exist.
People think that there will always be time to live their lives later.
People are stupid.
People have faith.
People have to belive.
Believe in god.
Believe in the fututre.
Believe they won't die before they get there.
Believe that when they get there it will be better than here.
Am I saying I'm any better?
No.
I'm the same.
I'm Middle aged.
I'm 22.
I make pizza.
How can this change?
How can we stop living for the future?
How can we live for now?
The answer is live everday to the fullest.
But you won't do that.
I won't do that.
Why not?
Because if we live today to the fullest what happens tomorrow?
What if there is one?
What if tomorrow does come?
Then what?
We get fired.
We get bills.
We get dumped.
We get responsibility.
We get evicted.
We get babies.
We get jail time.
We get death
We get a million dollars.
So you do nothing.
Tomorrow comes.
Do you live life to the fullest then?
No.
You do nothing.
Tomorrow comes.
You do nothing.
Tomorrow comes.
You do nothing.
We do not live life now because we think we can live life later.
We do not live life 'later' because of what could happen if we do.
Carpe Diem doesn't exist.
- M.T. Phaidon
The most depressing article the sandwich has ever written. No, really.
(warning this acticle may seem serious to most readers, cause it sure as hell was written that way. Anyway don’t read it if you are having a really swell day cause this artcle is a downer)
I know this emag is usually a forum for me to vent complete and random, nonsence, but sometimes the inspiration just isn’t there. It’s kinda funny that as an artist I always fed on my emotions for inspiration, and I still do, but what happens when those emotions start to feed on the artist instead. What if the artist dweels so long in his inpiration that he can no longer create. I have always used my sadness and my anger to create what some have called the darkest, funniest and even most disturbing pictures that have ever see draw before their eyes. I guess I once needed an outlet to pur the emotions I felt… In many ways I still do. I actually started the ham sandwich from my utter lonliness and the thought that in a small way as I wrote I was actually speaking to my old friends and the lonliness was gone. I felt better when I received letters and some people even offered to write for me. I was flattered to hear that some people actually showed the articles to other and it was apparently liked, heck I was happy that the ham sandwich was read at all. Anyway comeing back home and seeing everyone again and actually socializing with people has made me realize a few things. 1.) things can never be the way they were no matter how bad you want it. 2.) Good friends are few and far between and even harder to keep. 3.) no on wants to be around you when your depressed and stuck in that state. The last one is the one that really gets to me. Ironically enough everyone strives to be different or unique, but what they don’t realize is the to be that way you must become an oucast, otherwise your just another cloun in the group trying to entertain. I have a little sticker on my computer that reads: “you laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at you because your all the same. The more I go out and see people the more I find I can easily categorize and sterotype. I know many of you think this is horrible but the sadest thing I found out is how often the sterotypes and generailaztions I create turn out to be right. Sometimes I wish I were part of the sterotypes cause then I could be ignorant and ignore the pain and anger I see every day and release myself from the loniless I know is inevitable. The eventuality that each one of us will be completely forgotten when all contact is gone. The worse part is we don’t have to forget the ones we love, but we do because we cant face any discomfort In our lifes. When a person becomes horribly depressed and cries for help we disregaurd what their saying and nothing and try to convince them that things are ok. Thse talk may help for a little while but the dipressions (if it serious) doesn’t go away so easily. These people need help and sometimes that help may be just a phone call every now and then, an accknowlegment that they exist. I know this article may sadden , and even angry many of you but I guess I have trouble caring anymore cause the happinesses I feel and the thought that in the end everyone thing will be alright seems more and more like bullshit to keep me from giving up just because other will have that satifaction of knowing that nothing is wrong in their damn perfect world. The world where know one they ever care about dies or hurts them. A world where your biggest fear is not choosing the right bar to dring at or not beingble to get the new luxery sports car and having to settle for the compact sedan. Well I chanlleng you lucky people to think fo a minute what true depression really feels like and picture a world where you have to work your ass off for survival and at the end of the day there is no feeling of satifaction or success, just the knowledge that you survived and now you can afford to survive a little bit longer. A world were success is not a goal to strive for but something that has to be done and failure may mean the end of your world. I by no means have it as bad as that discription above, but If you can picture that maybe you can understand how I feel. It is a world where a true smile and a true laugh is so rare that I wonder why I try and wish that in the night I could actually will my heart to stop. A world where all the therapists and medication barely helps of it helps at all and when it does you can distinguish between the artificial happiness it provides and the real feelings you have. A world where you sit in the dark holding on you your phone wishing that every person you called would call you back. A world where everyone trys to explain nthat you should be happy for everything you have and accomplished ad should be happy at evything you have going for you, but what they describe isn’t what you want. And once you realize that you start to see that you have been working for something you whole life and now you can accomplish it, it was never what you wanted at all. Then you start to think that you actually had what you wanted all the time and you let it go. Now every happiness eveyones describes is incredible far away and any part of it that seems appealing to you doesn’t seem real and if it does come true, you believe you will just ruin it, and there fore you do. Unfortunetly I hardly laugh and it is rare when I do. I actually find it ironic that the ham sandwich was created from depression and everyone seemed to like it for its zany and ridiculous comedy and yet if anyone were actually around me to see me write they would flee to get away from the misery. Well I didn’t mean to dweery up you day with this article of gloomy clouds, I am sure the reast of the ham sandwich will be somewhat funny, or just really weird, but as you all know, I write this more myself and in hopes that some of what I say reaches someone on some level in their own life and maybe thinks that, “hey maybe I’m not alone.” Well that what I try to think anyway. Well I will continue to write as long as someone, I don’t care who, continues to read.
There is no more matthew Campbell, there is only the ham sandwich.