The Ham sandwich the email of Magazines Volume 2 number 1
The Triumphant return of the stupendous ham
Letterer from the writer editor ham sandwich
I’M BACK!!! (notice that this sentence is infinitely more important then most sentences for it is all in capitols and has not1, or 2,but three exclamation points.) That is right. The ham sandwich has returned. I have been on a six-month (I think) hiatus, after a rough move to Colorado and about three apartment transfers. You see I am just a poor ham though my bread is moldy and worn. I have squandered my condiments for a pocket full of grape nuts. Even though your read this you read only what you want to read and disregards the rest. Hmmm hmmmh hmmh hmmh hhmmm. When I left my fridge and my cutlet Supremes I was no more then a…little wiener, in the company of pastries in the quiet of you local grocers freezer. Freezing cold Laying low seeking nothing more then a quarter for this magazine, hoping someone would give a care and let in show. lai la lai boom, lai la la lai lai la lai la boom lai lai lai la lai la la la la lai. I realized when I first started writing this I was working for the mob, but then I realized I was lying, I was getting no work and no offers, just a come-on from the whores On Seventh Avenue I do declare, There were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there. Um let me recompose myself. I was in a either Simon, or Garfunkel mood I guess. Anyway the zany writings of the one and only ham have returned. There may be guest writers again but who knows. This is the beginning of my plot to conquer the world, or waste everyone’s time equally. Well enjoy
~Your writer, editor, and still quite hammy sandwich, Matt Campbell
Not since the resurrection of Jesus has there been such a second coming
Yes I have returned and since it has been waaaaayyyyyy too long since I have written a article an sent it to anyone but myself I guess I should write a comeback article, or something resembling a comeback article. Yes you will notice that the writing style has not changed and is complete with grammatical and spelling errors. SO if you are so nice to write me back and tell me about all of them I will be glad to print your letter and poke fun at you. Anyways I have noticed lately that I have a lot in common with this religious leader that died sometime ago. I can’t really remember when, I think it was kind of recent. Anyway his name was Jesus Christ; yeah I know I never heard of him either, well, apparently there is this whole religion called Christianity that is based around this guy. Well as I found out more about this guy I found out there are a lot of parallels between his life and mine. For instance:
Jesus was immaculately conceived.
I was born of a late night snack craving.
Jesus spent 40 days and nights traveling around for some ungodly reason.
I haven’t had sex for 40 days and nights for some ungodly reason.
Jesus died for the sins of all humanity.
I write this emag and get no appreciation.
See were almost twins. The likeness is uncanny. So from now on I shall be referred to as the HOLY Ham Sandwich.
From the writer editor and Holy Ham Sandwich Matt Campbell
Dear Ham Sandwich,
How dare you use my likeness in such blasphemy? You will burn in hell! THIS I COMMAND
PS. I love the magazine and am glad you returned, also you are damn straight about them womens.
Letter from Jesus jesus@heaven.org
The Never ending search for women, or where be all the bitches?
I was going to write an ever entertain article about trick or treating here, but I lost all my notes and when I recovered them I could only read something about girl scouts a goat, and the letters f r e e t I t t I e s 4 u. Well that didn’t make since so I had to start over again. And since the inspiration for my life has always been my undying erg to get laid then once again I decided to write yet another article about it. (Please gentle reader the subject matter will change in these articles, just stick with us for a while. Eventually well start writing about our impending deaths in, say, 50 years.) I have tried many attempts at finding women, many attempts were made without leaving the house. This may explain my incredible loneliness, but that’s not what were here to discuss, or for me to write and for you to read. AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! Music…bugging my… head!!! There! Thank god I fixed that. Anyway, One of my methods of finding women was to join some of these Internet dating services. Basically you create a profile and then email people till someone generously tells you to leave him or her alone, HER I MEAN HER! Well here is the description I left a sight of interest.
Description 1:
Age: Not yet expired
Location: The top level of the Fridge
Hair: AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! THERE’S A HAIR ON ME?
Eyes: None
Height: 3.25 cm
Body Type: Open Face
Ethnicity: English, American with a hint of Garlic
Education: BA in Ham graphics
Occupation: Searching for women to score with
Income: No women…yet
And there were some other details but I forgot them all.
My profile:
I am a lonely Sandwich, but I am extra meaty where it counts if you know what I mean ladies. So let me hear back from ya and well see if you get to take a bite out of the Ham Sandwich
What I want in a female:
Preferably warm and moist.
Next: Looking up the person and what to write them.
From the hopelessly lonely people who cant get dates themselves and the Holy Ham.
Well that’s it for this issue. I will write more and I shall try to be consistent so worry not. You Ham injection is on the way. Also I would appreciate feedback once again, and if you would tell me if this was a stupendous comeback issue or a foundering faun of mockery which was horrible unburdened upon your souls then please just say so.
Till next time gentle reader, I am the Holy Ham Sandwich, Matt Campbell.