The Ham sandwich the email of Magazines Volume 2 number 1
The Triumphant return of the stupendous ham
Letterer from the writer editor ham sandwich
I’M BACK!!! (notice that this sentence is infinitely more important then most sentences for it is all in capitols and has not1, or 2,but three exclamation points.) That is right. The ham sandwich has returned. I was moved by the meat relocation program after I escaped and squeeled on the salami to trying to scuewer me. Anyway here is a small song to retell my accounts. (read this to “the boxer” by simon and garfunkel.) You see I am just a poor ham though my bread is moldy and worn. I have squandered my condiments for a pocket full of grape nuts. Even though your read this you read only what you want to read and disregards the rest. Hmmm hmmmh hmmh hmmh hhmmm. When I left my fridge and my cutlet Supremes I was no more then a…little wiener, in the company of pastries in the quiet of you local grocers freezer. Freezing cold Laying low seeking nothing more then a quarter for this magazine, hoping someone would give a care and let in show. lai la lai boom, lai la la lai lai la lai la boom lai lai lai la lai la la la la lai. I realized when I first started writing this I was working for the mob, but then I realized I was lying, I was getting no work and no offers, just a come-on from the whores On Seventh Avenue I do declare, There were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there. Um let me recompose myself. I was in a either simonie, or garfunkely mood I guess. Anyway the zany writings of the one and only ham have returned. There may be guest writers again but who knows. This is the beginning of my plot to conquer the world, or waste everyone’s time equally. Well enjoy
~Your writer, editor, and still quite hammy sandwich, Matt Campbell
AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I lost the articles, or SHIT, FUCK, CUNT, PUSSY, BUNGHOLEITICE!!!
Dear god. There I was sitting in class and wasting time. Suddenly I look at myself…well I look at part of myself for sence I am myself it can be hard to look at one’s self unless thay have a mirror and for sake of argument you must beleve that at this point in the day I have no mirror. Anyway I look at myself and say:
Me: Hey Matt.
Myself: What?
Me: Maybe you should write another article for the Ham Sandwich.
Myself: That’s not a bad idea.
I: And then you could get laid.
Me: Shut up and stop pestering him. We all know that he never gets laid.
Mycelf: Yeah stop pest- Hey what do you mean I never get laid. I get laid plenty.
Me: Common matt think about this your lying to yourself.
I: And talking to yourself.
Me: And writing it on a computer screen
Id: MUST HAVE SEX NOW!!!!
Super Ego: No one wants to touch you so you better hide in a dark room away from harsh reality.
Ego: I’d rather have a sandwich anyway.
Anyway after much debating with myself I decided that: 1) I need serious mental help. 2) I need to get laid) 3) I will never get laid. 4) I’d rather have a sandwich anyway. And 5) I should get to work on the article. Anyway as I started to look for the file which I saved the article on I started to get sacred. Where was the article? I thought. I searched all my files and even under my bed. Then someone suggested that it might be up my ass. After much laughing, mostly on his part, I started looking up my ass. But my efforts were for not for the article was, in fact, not up my ass. Feel sad and “ass raped” I decided to look under my files one last time. Suddenly a miracle happened. I found the article it was in my files the whole time. It was just under a different name then I assumed. So that is how I got laid. I: Stop lying to the audience you didn’t write anything about that and you didn’t get laid. Mtself: Shut up! Id: Where’s my cheeseburger.
Going back to school, or e=mcFUCK YOU!!!
So many of us have went back to school, and probably are currently in school. Some of us have been working all summer and are still working. Some of us are both. Some of us are complete and total slackers. Some of us are webbles who wobble but never fall down. Well I have decided that you all need my advice. It is quite obvious that many of you cannot live without this very advice. I can only guess how most fo you survived the summer. Hey that’s a great idea for an article. So send me a short story about what you did this summer in a email to me, the ham sandwich at killerbeast59@hotmail.com .
Moving on there are many things in school and college that can scar poor students. Things like teachers, homework, books, words, women. We, as the people of this great country, must persist though. We are, in fact in school through no fault of our own. The government requires
So I heard there was another Ham sandwich?
I nstead I found some decent recipies for ham sandwiches.