The Ham Sandwich, Corporate Take over issue.
Letter from the writer, editor, ham sandwich.
Hello loyal readers. I apologize for all the late issues lately, but I have been having issue with the salami sandwich. For some reason he is stockpiling weapons in his office and there are plans of taking over some naive magazine writer and assuming his identity to gain the trust of his readers. I feel sorry for whoever the poor bloke is. Anyway I support the salami sandwich in all his endeavors cause after all he is my half brother. I know that deep down beneath the preservatives he truly is just a soft meaty core. He even told me the other day of how much he envy’s me but telling me he is going to steal my mag and all my readers. I know most would consider this a threat, but you just don’t know the salami. That’s just his way of-Oh his salami I was just talking about… what are you going to do with that meat grinder. Hold it!.. You back- AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!! Did I say meat grinder? I meant to say where's my Gas-X? I've got a terrible case of hot air escaping from my ass. This issue is jam-packed full of great stuff, written by me, the Salami..errr. HAM sandwich. Yes, the one and only ham sandwich, uh, sex....boobs...death metal...uh...Pantera...penis.
~The Ham Sandwich.
(The corporate take over:
At night I often find myself tucked snugly between two pieces of white bread thinking about how great it would be to take over a corporation. but since I am the ham sandwich and already am the head of a corporation I have no need to do so. Yes, I am the Ham sandwich, the one and only Ham sandwich, even though I wish I were as genetically enhanced as my half brother, I have to realize that I have something he doesn't...this Mag. Now, If I were going to take over a corporation run by someone like my self it wouldn't be that difficult. See, I'm easily distracted, if I see something shiny my mind goes blank and I just stare at it and giggle. Most days at work I sit in my big pent house office trying to act important, I sharpen pencils, and pick up papers and move them from one side of the desk to the other. I often call my secretary and have her bring me asinine things that I don't need just to make her think I am very busy. So, if I were to try to take over a corporation run by someone who has no attention span I'd pretend to be a delivery boy with an urgent package for the Ham sandwich...I mean the boss (I’m the HAM sandwich) and take it straight to him. Since he'd just be sitting there with his thumb up his ass (this is true, I once saw the ham sandwich do this...I mean, I did this once) he'd be quite excited to have a visitor. I'd tell him he won a contest but that he had to sign these papers first. Since he'll be too interested in what he won he won't read the papers. After the papers have been signed he'll open the box and find a nice collection of booby mags. He’ll proceed to the restroom immediately. The papers were actually documents that signed the company over to me, at that point I’ll take the name plate that says "the Ham sandwich" off the desk and put out the new one that says "The Salami Sandwich"....and by this of course I mean I would replace the current one with one that says the Ham sandwich since that's who I am. Did I ever tell you guys that I like Pantera?
Now, since the boss will still be 'plucking' away at his new prize in my corporate bathroom, a felony that carries a sentence of at least two different boy friends and 3 steamy shower scenes in the big house, I’d call security and have them escort his naked rear out of my corporate can. And that's how to take over my half brothers Mag. and by that I mean that's how someone could take over a corporation of course.
The Ham Sandwich.
Making friends out of former enemies, or "You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit." "I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work."
I know what you're all saying. "Ham, how did you turn a violent half-brotherhood with the salami into a loving family like friendship?" All I can say is, it didn't happen over night. Aww what the hell am I saying? Of course it happened over night. You see there is one form of communication that is universal. No, I am not talking about music, math, love, or Ebonics. I am talking about black mail. That’s right black mail. Not the kid that listen to rape music and steal your cars, and dance well, but the kind that are considered a threat. Anyway this is how I coaxed my prey into my devious trap. You see the Salami sandwich has a weakness for cottage cheese and chocolate pudding. So I simple put these two items in the middle of a room and placed a net beneath them. Then I mixed varied amounts of alcohol with each. The predictable salami sandwich saw this, and he immediately knew it was a trap. So I beat him over the head with a mallet. I then stripped him down to his bare…something. I have no idea what to call the stuff beneath the surface of the salami. Anyway I then took lewd pictures of him with two sides of meatloaf, Meatloaf being the cheapest and most revolting of the meats within my price range. After he came to I showed him the pictures and side that his ass was mine. Well at least that’s what I like to do, but unfortunately, the ham lacks spine.
~The cowardly ham sandwich
Closing Letter From the Meat of tomorrow.
Well folks, I know you probably didn't see this coming since i am a genetic freak, conniving, cunning, sly, sexy and a genius but it was I, the Salami sandwich behind this issue, and guess what? This is just the beginning. WHOHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA MUHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHA
~The Salami Sandwich, Your future Leader!!