The Ham Sandwich. The Email of Mags. Number 9
The Great Ham Sandwich Has Returned My Minions!
Letter from the ACTUAL writer, editor, ham sandwich
I have returned. I decided the Hams across America tour wasn't for me. So I quit, after I was thrown out of two schools for disemboweling young teenagers for calling me "hammy". I am the HAM sandwich, not the hammy sandwich. It doesn't matter anyway. The tour has become too commercial. They have for gotten the true meaning of the ham. Moving on it is time to get back to the Mag. I know that lately the mag has lacked continuity, and actually has veered its existence towards…how shall I say it…chaos. AAAAGHHH SHUT UP YOUR COMPANING BITCH!!! Oh sorry about that. They moved me to an area at work where I have to talk, and listen to people. I can only tell you how much that sucks for a person of my personality. Anyway, out-spurts like that may become more common now so just bare with me. Well I need to organize what the issues have been about to figure out where we need to head. SO lets summarize what we have so far. First we had and intro with no real purpose. Then we briefly took on dating, sex and what not. Then we took on video games. Now we have no idea where we are or where were going. Well I guess we will continue on our path to nowheresville till something better comes along. Either way it should be an exciting ride right.
~Writer, editor, Ham Sandwich, Matt Campbell
Letter to the editor
Our first letter comes from a one legged prostitute for the bad side of Denver. She writes:
On the first note, um... U suck. Secondly I don't understand why U replaced my wonderful ham sandwich with something else, those children don't care about cold cuts, but I do. U should not have allowed the leave. And finally I do read your mag and would not have asked for it if I did not U big butthead. Oh, on the tip of this letter, U SUCK.
~Ariel Stevenson. Denver, Colorado.
Well first of all thank you for writing, but you jealously can end for I did nothing with those children that you haven't already done with a vacuum cleaner. I know your obsession with my "sucking" probably stems from a lack of satisfaction from your husband who also writes to this emailizine almost regularly. Anyways don't worry the ham sandwich has returned and will continue to write, but the salami sandwich is also staying with us with his regular column. I suggest you read it as well for it is very erotic. Thank you for your support.
~The Ham Sandwich
An Explanation from the Ham Sandwich
Some of you may have noticed our new writer, the salami sandwich. You maybe asking yourself how I allow such a writer to insult me within my own emailizine. Well the answer is quite shocking. The salami sandwich is my BROTHER!! (Loud drums pound in background.) Well half brother actually. We share the same mother, or as you would call her, the same pig. Anyway I promised my dear sweet mother on her deathbed that I would take care of the salami, and seeing as how he can't get a job doing anything else I had to hire him on the ham sandwich staff. So he will be here weekly writing, and making fun of me. He thinks there is this crazy trend going around called being grammatically correct. Yeah I have never heard of it either but it has something to do with checking your spelling and adding commas and periods and what not. Its crazy notions like this that make democracy not work you see. Well anyway enjoy the issue.
~The Ham Sandwich
The Return of the Quotes, or "OK, whatever to take my mind off of life."
Yes I have decided to bring back the quote section. It was off and on for the past couple of issues and thanks to The Salami's quote of last week: Sunday drivers, its only Saturday. Which was from Spice World, by the way, So I understand why no one got it, but common people a single guess to attempt or even a god damn letter would be nice once in a while. Anyway I am bringing back the quote section. Once again there will be an easy quote for a cheap prize and a hard quote for a really great prize. The rules are simple. Name who said it and where it's from, or just name one of those. Hell if you write us we'll be happy.
Here is the easy one. The prize is RESPECT, which I know most of you lack.
"Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!"
Now for the hard one. It's for a slave Ham Sandwich for a day.
"You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!"
Since this quote is very hard here are some hints. The quote comes from an old black and white comedy about nuclear war. Good luck.
~The Staff in charge of quotes. Whom ever they may be.
If life were a movie of some sort, or
A commentary by the Salami Sandwich
Hi folks, the Salami Sandwich here. The word going around the fridge is that you all think that the Ham sandwich and myself are one in the same...well, I must say I am insulted! The only thing we have in common is that we are both from the meat group. I would go as far as to say I am the anti-ham. I'm smart, he can't spell, I eat food, he eats his toenails, I use a toilet, he uses pull-ups. The list could go on and on. Sure he'll say that the reason his grammar is so horrible is because the only people that are reading this are all his friends and they don't care, but the truth is he's always been like this. When he was still part of the pig, on his way to market, he tried to write a note to the sheep dog asking for help, it ended up saying "kelp" instead... the dog went fishing. Look, the ham sandwich is a distant relative of mine; I regret to say that part of me came from the same gene pool as him. I'm part pig, part random pieces of other animals, but we are nothing a like. He may be a pure bred ham from a 300 pound pig, but I have culture folks, I am a little bit of everything, with a spicy after taste, he needs mayo to flavor him up. Please don't doubt the Salami, I hate to think that you people out there can't tell the difference between a lowly piece of ham and the king of all lunch meats...the Salami. If you still have doubts, or any questions please let me know, you can reach me here at the fridge where I spend my days and nights via email at Mr_Salami23@hotmail.com I hope that by next week you will allow me to get back to doing what i do best...telling you people how to feel, until then remember, if you've kissed the ham sandwich, you've kissed him feet.
~The Salami
SOS! Save my gosh darn stupid moldy granny! SOS! Save my gosh darn stupid moldy doggy! SOS! Save my gosh darn stupid moldy peanut butter cup!
I have a lot of time to sleep over the weekend, and boy do I mean a lot. I think I sleep a total 40 hours since I went to sleep Friday night. I don't mean straight of course, but that still is an average of 13.33 hours of sleep a night. Heck I think I got more then that. On Sunday alone I slept in till 4:30 in the afternoon. Anyway as I slept I realized something. I am running out of things to fantasize about while I try to go to sleep. I mean once I'm asleep the psychotic things in my head take over and the horror and entertainment really begins but I need something to occupy my mind till then. All my old fantasies have gotten kind of old and redundant. I need some new ones. So I am sending out a SMD. Save My Dreams. I want everyone reading to send me an email explaining your greatest sexual fantasy, and/or actual act that you have committed. Here are the simple directions. If you are a male tell the tale from your point of view but always replace your name with mine. Also not that no gay stories will be accepted. If you send one I will kick your ass when I see you next. If you are female however, replace the other man with me and send me a photo of yourself wearing as little as possible. Also encourage all your female friends to join in on this thing, plus end their photos wearing as little as possible as well. Anyways I will take your letters and warp them in interesting ways and write articles on them. Don't worry you may remain anonymous if you wish. I promise not to divulge any private information. Please send something, or my fantasies will continue to be in 64 bits and lack sound quality. Please help a child for only one stories a week this ham sandwich can grow and…aww fuck it just send the stories, it would be greatly appreciated.
~The Writers
Well that's it for another issue. I am working on ideas and trying to get stuff done. I am also very tirzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz