The Ham sandwich, the email of mags, the special video game issue
Letter from the writer, editor, ham sandwich.
I know I have been following a trend the last couple of weeks of writing about dating and sex. I decided to take a break from that this week and writ about mans best friend. VIDEO GAMES. I once saw a t-shirt that said, "a girl is no substitute for a play station". I never realized how true that was till now. There was a time in my life where my typical day consisted of nothing but sex, work, video games, and sleep. The rest was slight details I preferred to ignore. The point is, during this period, in my life, the only things I really focused my attention on, was my girlfriend, and my play station. My girlfriend provided me with sex, and emotional distress. My play station, however, provided me with nothing but joy. There were not fights with the play station. No crying, no homicidal rage. Just utter bliss. So this issue is dedicated to the video game. I have informed my writers to write about video games and I have no idea if they will actually listen to me or not, but hopefully this issue will be full of digitally enhanced goodness.
~the highly out of touch with life editor, Matt Campbell
Letters to the writers, editor, or ham sandwich
Well we didn't have that many people write to us for the last couple of weeks. I think it is cause of the horrible smell in the office, which is so horride the even the emailman can't approach us. Anyway smell or no smell the red head at the bar (for which she is known as) apparently wrote:
Am I not important enough to get your news letter?
The Red Head at the Bar
PS how dare U give the credit of my letter to someone else!!!
From Ariel Stevenson, Denver, Colorado
Well Red head, I apologized last issue. What more do you want from me? Also I have personally enrolled you in a subscription to the magazine to which there is no escape. I hope this makes you happy.
~ The Editor
Well that's all the letters I got. I am wondering if anyone is still reading this thing. Send me a response at least letting me know if anyone is out there. Has there been a nuclear attack? Is the human race no more? Does Spaghettio's still exist? Do I like talking to myself? Please answer me?!? ~The slightly crazed writers, editors and ham sandwich.
Video games, the replacement of all relationships, or PORN! Hey it's cheaper then dating.
Women are constantly wondering how men can spend hours in front of the TV not moving or doing any real mobile activities. Well the answer to that is simple. Us, MEN, are sick of your, WOMEN, shit. So sometimes we need to go to an imaginary realm to kill little green elves and fairies and frogs with funny little hats. You see unlike most of the relationships that we have been in our video games have an ON and an OFF button. We can turn on the pleasure and turn off any emotional problems. Let me put thin in relationship, or "girlfriend" terms, as I call it. Assume that a girlfriend is like a video game then the world would b so much better. We play our girlfriend and get great pleasure from her. We can save our relationship to the good parts so if the relationship fails we can go right back to the last good part of it and start again. If our girlfriends bore us, or we get all we can out of her, then we simply get another girlfriend. There never is any jealousy, and if we want we can use our old girlfriend anytime we want, and our new girlfriend, or girlfriends, don't care. We only have to pay for out girlfriends once, unless we break her, we also can invite any of our friends over to play with her or loan her out. We can always turn our girlfriend on and we never have to worry about her not wanting to play the games we want to play. She is always exactly want were looking for and we know exactly what were getting. Well I am sure you are getting the picture. So with a video game who need a relationship? Well I guess all guys need someone to cook cleans and do the laundry right.
~ No one, cause everyone is with their "girlfriends."
How the world would be if we all followed the morals of movies, or how I stopped worrying and learned to love the ham sandwich.
Have you ever noticed that American media seems to be deluded with messages on how we should live our lives. Well I have, and I got to wondering what the world would be like if we followed these morals. I present a new weekly section where I will add new movies and their morals and create the world that followed those morals. I invite you to send me your list of movies and I will create the morally correct world that world come from following all the morals of those movies. Well let the wackiness ensue.
The morals behind these movies:
Akira – Absolute power, corrupts absolutely.
The Big Lebowski – Who the hell knows.
Vanilla Sky – Don't get into cars with psycho ex-girlfriends.
Armageddon / Deep impact – we must destroy all earth threatening rocks from space.
Planet of the Apes – Live in harmony with all things, and each other. Also beware of crazy apes.
Cruel Intentions – Love over comes evil only to be hit by a taxi.
Pearl Harbor – the Japanese suck.
Natural Born killers – love kills the demon?
Home Alone – 10-year-old boys cans easily defeat seasoned burglars with a few minor home supplies.
Gi-Joe – Cobra commander is really a snake and America defeats all terrorist organizations.
Transformers – the matrix will light our darkest hour.
Office space – working for corporate America sucks.
187 – don't play Russian roulette with your teachers.
The deer hunter – don't play Russian roulette with the Vietnamese.
The Superman movies – there is such thing as superman and one day he will come down from heaven and judge the living and the dead.
Well there are many other movies and a huge list of morals but I am going to stop there for today. Anyway the point is if we lived in a world where all these moral ideas were heeded we would be avoiding our crazy ex-girlfriends, while living in harmony with everything except for crazy apes and the Japanese, letting our little 10 year old friends protect us from buglers, but we are unemployed cause we refuse to work for corporate America, but that gives us time to worship superman, but we don't have any power so we can't be corrupted by it, but we are destroying space rocks, and we love it so we have killed our demons, unfortunately, though, we were hit buy a cab, but we worry not, for we never play Russian roulette, and the matrix will light out darkest hour, so we need not fear cobra commander the snake. *Few* what a world.
One f our writers actually returned and did the assignment I asked and he is…Spunkman. I can't believe it I have 3 writers and the only writer to accept the assignment and send it to me is called Spunkman. "I swear god is teasing me, just like he teased Moses." Well he wrote and even though everything he usually writes involves jizz in some manner (what do I expect from a writer calling himself spunk man I guess, oh well) this weeks article is no different' I Could probably ask him to write me and article about fixing a carburetor and he fit jizz in there some where. Anyway,
Hey, here it is:
The Never-ending God stopper by SpunkMAN!
You're all BASTARDS!!! I received not a SINGLE Goddamn e-mail from any of you! See if you get on MY Christmas list!!! Anyway, since the Almighty Ham Sandwich has decreed, this is to be an "All Games" edition of the e-zine. Thus, it shall be.......................... I was thinking back to my days sitting alone in the woods with nothing to entertain me, but Quake II and an Internet connection... Yes, there I spent many of my days playing QII online with other people, often capture the flag.... It was my favorite, ya know. Anyway, the more I played, the more gibs and gore I saw flying in every direction... I noticed that there were female models in QII, unlike the original. I noticed that I could change the skin of a female model to appear completely naked. This turned me on, to be in an online arena wearing only a big fuckin' gun. I was also aroused to be around so many other players w/ such nicely constructed 3D asses... With all the violence and gore, and tight polygonal pound holes, and with myself dancing around as a nudist cyber vixen w/ a psychotic mental dilemma, it was all I could do to restrain myself from pounding my ever loving piece-pipe into the keyboard........ Alas, my urges never held out for long, and soon I found myself in "spectate" mode behind another lovely temptress of death as I slicked my willy to the sounds of heavy machine gun fire and rocket blasts, until it was all too much and I blew a smoldering jizz bomb into the floppy drive!!! *Ahem* Well, that's about all I care to divulge in this episode... Stay tuned to the web site for more interesting articles, as well as tit-bits and extra comments from the e-zine. Also, soon to be unveiled: The SpunkMAN Gallery!!! See your favorite super hero (or me) in many amazing outfits and places! MAN can that dude POSE! Yowza! And GODDAMN IT YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, SEND ME SOME FREAKIN' COMMENTS BEFORE I MAILBOMB YER ASSES!!!
SpunkMAN - "Jizz in a bottle three times a day and call me when it's full."
Also visit the website at http://www.geocities.com/spunkman_2024/
Well that's it for this issue. Next issue I will return to dating and sex topics. I might even finish them up. So keep reading and I promise there is a crazy leprechaun taking golden shits at the end of this rainbow.
~ From all of us to all of you. XYZ (Examine your zipper).
Also Happy birthday to the following:
Kurt Olgren, TK Bostic, Matt Campbell, and Yacko the cracker!
(If you would like a birthday thingy then tell me when you god-damn birthday is.)