The Ham Sandwich, the mag of emails Special Late holiday edition
In this issue we have some exciting crap!!!
Letter from the editor
I am so sorry to you all. There you were snuggled in your beds with visions of the ham sandwich dancing in your head. But I swear I was writing, but weak was my bladder, that I had to run to the bathroom and release my dark matter. As I returned to my desk to write the emailizine I encountered a problem that was unforeseen. You see I was writing, as I often do, writing a Christmas list to you know who. But in the tussle, and in the bussle, of this here holiday season, I sent Santa the emailazine thingy and forgot to send you all anything, for some ungodly reason. Please forgive me, for I know not what I do, please don't blame me, blame my need to take a poo. It was the hysterics of the season I say, and if you all would like please write and I will send a holiday emailizine, so send your request my way. Anyway I am back doing the best I can, writing what I know, and what you can't stand. I am very happy that many of you like this thing though and I will continue to write, as you continue to moan. Now back to writing I go as I sit here pretending to work, hiding in a dark corner, one of this jobs few perks. But don't feel sorry for me, my holiday was swell, I enjoyed my holiday immensely before I returned here to hell.
Happy "late" holidays
Writer, editor, ham sandwich, Matt Campbell
Letters from the readers and bed wetters.
DEAR HAM SANDWICH... I HAVE A VERY BIG PROBLEM WITH MY
BEDSHEETS. FOR SOME ODD REASON THEY CONTINUALLY HAVE
WHITE CREAMY STAINS ON THEM WHEN I GET UP. I THINK
THAT I MAY BE GETTING LAID AND THIS SCARES ME. I WISH
THAT I KNEW THEY WERE MAYO FOR YOU BUT I KNOW THAT
THEY ARE NOT. SOMETIMES IT FELLS LIKE THERE IS A BIG
HOTDOG IN MY PANTS WHEN THIS GUY LAYS ON ME AND THEN
THE WHITE STAINS APPEAR IN THE MORNING. IS THIS SEX
AND AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY IT? pLEASE WRITE BACK WITH
SPEED. ps I THINK THE QUOTE IS FROM BAMBI....AM I
RIGHT?
WITH MUCH LOVE FOR YOU AND YOUR CREAMYNESS...THE
REDHEAD FROM THE BAR (PSS CAN I BE INBETWEEN YOUR
BREAD PEICES TONIGHT AGAIN?)
From Galen Stevenson, Denver, CO
Well Galen, since you are from Colorado I am afraid it is impossible for you to have sex. For in Colorado there is no such thing as sex. In fact such general things as cars, Television and even tract housing has yet to be introduced. What Colorado does have that resembles what you are talking about is snow, well snow mixed with vomit. The hot dog you find in your pants is a frozen wiz Popsicle that you produced the night before. In short you should not enjoy this but run screaming into the night. Anyway the quote is NOT from Bambi, and curses you to hell for guessing it incorrectly. Also if you would like to get between my bread pieces you must send me a picture and get your tight ass over here.
~the ham sandwich
Dude, where's the next installment? I'm on the edge of my seat.
Also, did I tell you that the last section of the 17th issue is almost
exactly like the first scene from the book Eat Me?
From Maggie Griffith Chicago IL
Dear Maggie, 17th issue? Book "Eat ME"? DUDE? TRACT HOUSEING? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Please send me a copy of this 17th issue along with your time machine. I think the issue I am writing now is only like issue 6…I think, I lost my notes. Also if the magazine excites you as much as you say it does please feel free to visit the office naked anytime. The writers, editors, ham sandwich, and I are all very sexually frustrated and would love to give you the gang bang to ring in the new year. Our address is 1523 Lexington, Troy MI, 48084. We'll be waiting lubricants in hand.
~the entire staff
Well thanks all for writing and the quote was from Army of Darkness and the only person that got remotely close was Nathan Campbell from Monument, CO. He guessed wrong with "Duke Nuke Em" but because the game does have the fraise "Give me some sugar baby" in it I had to give it to him. Oh yeah and Tina Prescott got it correct as well…I guess. I have no new quote for this week though but rest assured the quote section will come roaring back in a blood curdling vomit of doom next week.
Holy, Goly, Wow, Fuck, I have no idea what to write about!!! Or Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.
Well my holiday season doesn't end till after my birthday, which sadly happens usually around the time I have to go back to school, or work, or hell, or where ever I am summoned to survive for another 6 to 8 months. So technically for me my holiday season is still in full force but I have to work through part of it. My birthday is this Thursday and because I have few friends and far to many eager family members willing to be my "chum" on one of the greatest of birthdays, my 21st, it looks like I will be spending my birthday at some restaurant with my aunt, rather then meeting up with a bunch of friends at a strip bar getting drunk finding women and getting laid (yeah like that would actually happen anyway). So what I have decided to do for this birthday is called grand theft drunk driving. You see I got a play station 2 for Christmas, god bless my sweet, sweet, mother, and one of the games I own is grand theft auto. The games point is like its title. Steel cars, kill people, and earn points. And since I have neither the skills nor the idiocy or nerve to actually steal cars I play this game often. Now since this game is mostly driving and it would be twice as fun to steal cars while drunk I feel this game will be hilarious to play while drunk. So that’s one thing I am going to do on my birthday. Thing number 2 is to answer the 3 billion calls I will no doughtily get of people singing happy birthday to me while I work. I am actually looking forward to this. Not only will it waste precious work time, that I waste anyways, but it will also make me feel loved. So all of you willing to give me a call on my birthday, my phone number is 248-709-3509. Give me a call and win a cookie. Sweet now it’s a contest. The hundredth caller gets a slave matt for a day. Bwahahahaha, this is going to be sweet. I think the third thing I will do is make a list of all the things I should do to improve myself then set them a flame and laugh in hysterics till the flame rages out of control and I panic and hide in the bathroom till someone finds me after the flaming letter in the trash can dissipates. Later that day I will go out to eat. My aunt will buy me my first legal drink. Unless she buys me at least eight, I will go home sober, and maybe eat cake. The girl that I am seeing will no doughtily refuse to put out and she will leave me unsatisfied, I will then masturbate, get drunk, play drunken grand theft auto, and pass out just in time to hear my alarm and go to work on Friday. Yep this birthday will prove to be…different I guess, but it will at least be unique.
Well that is all for this issue. I would write more but then it would be even later then it already is and who wants that, and besides I was informed that these email things are too long any way. Well hope all you readers had a happy holidays and when your all getting drunk this weekend do a shot for me…The Ham Sandwich.
Person of this issue: Satan, the chubby old elf, who give gifts to all.
Song of the issue: Happy Birthday to me. (what I probably will be singing Thursday night to myself like I did last year)
Quote for all to guess: Look, if it's about that time I got drunk and masturbated with a crucifix, it was my first keg party, alright?
Well till next issue, "Look, there's two women fucking a polar bear!" (quickly runs away screaming).