The Ham Sandwich, The Email of Mags. Issue number 9 I think…yeah 9…wait a minute….
The Conspiracy Issue, or Soilent Green is People!!! (Now with girls)
Letter from the writer, editor, Ham sandwich.
Yes the continuing march to resist writing about subjects closely related to sex has begun. As of this issue I will try to avoid the subject of sex for at least 3 issues. I think this is a bad decision on my part cause 92% (demographically speaking) of our readers, read this mag solely for its advice on sex. To those of you readers please stick with us. The witty sexual commentary will return and with it a sense of renewal and fondness of everyone and all the land will be granted. I also think this is mass suicide to myself (it is a MASS suicide cause in my world I am the most valuable chunk of land MASS. Get it mass, land mass… he he… FUCK YOU!!) Because I have to masturbate at least twice a day just to keep my mind only partly on sex. I am in consistent sexual overdrive. So lets just say this will be a test, and a hard one for me at that. Anyway this issue is about conspiracies. I have to thank the salami for this idea. Of course the salami has no real sex drive for all it's sexual organs are synthetic and like that movie "disturbing behavior", every time it does something, or even thinks something erotic, it turns into a 17 year old girl and takes of its shirt, fondles its breasts, and then slams its head against a mirror. So in short it has no real use for sex unless it wants several stitches in its forehead and another police report from the local college. What I am really trying to get at is, the salami sandwich will be a great power factor in helping pick subjects, but if you, the reader, notices him taking advantage of me (In the mag you idiots. Like taking over. Not literally getting me drunk and having his way with me. He's my half-brother for god's sake. You are sick. SICK!!) Please write me and tell me so I may give the salami a good spanking. Well enjoy this issue.
~The writer, editor, Ham Sandwich, Matt Campbell
Letter to the Salami
Since the Last Issue the Salami has gotten a piece of fan mail...or hate mail if you will. It seems that some of you out there are loyal to the Ham sandwich regardless of his obnoxious demeanor and his witty use of the word mayonnaise as a metaphor for other such substances. One more thing before I get to the letter...Hammy...why did you have to tell them we were brothers? Everyone on this side of the fridge has been laughing at me since they read that. They can't believe someone of my intellectual mind could possibly be a brother with someone like you, frankly neither can I... Here's the letter:
How can one classify the salami as a more influential (if you will) piece of meat? Most salami to my knowledge is grown in a lab full of artificial products and preservatives, that's right a freaking lab full of pests and disease. Now I know the salami is into all that Richard Gear gerbil freaky shit, but come on. Ham is an essential meat product giving an individual the proper protein and nutrients, salami on the other hand is responsible for abnormal growths; lack of sexual stimulation, and of course the notorious ripping of the ass. There is a reason that you don't find the salami on the meat lover's pizza special! If I haven't gotten my point across then I'll say it straight out, LEAVE HAM ALONE! Ham and I go way back, and if you don't cut him some slack then you will leave me no other alternative but to contact a good friend of mine, AKA "The Knife!" He has a 45 and a shovel, I doubt anyone will miss you salami!
Well, since you wanted to keep your identity a secret from the Salami I will just call you Gutless. Dear Gutless, sure I may be genetically enhanced, but guess what? So is the Ham...you think they didn't pump him full of preservatives before they shipped him out? Did you know that neat little cube of ham you buy at the store doesn't look like that when you kill off the animal? They rip it apart and then use a machine and smash it back together again minus the disgusting fat and bones. Sure I may make a man impotent if eaten... but if you don't eat me, leave my in that long, thick, form you purchased me in, the lady wouldn't even need a man in the first place, I'm like the Banana of meats. You and hammy may go way back, but he and I are blood, and I've been giving him shit since before we went to market. If you really think your friend the knife can get the job done bring it on, but remember, I'm a genetic freak, the likes of which your friend has never seen before.
~The Salami
Wrestling isn't the only fake Sport around...
Last weekend the Patriots did the impossible, the beat the top team in the NFL in the Super bowl. But they didn't do it alone, they got help...from "Them". After the attacks of September 11, "they" knew something had to be done to bring the country together. First they turned to baseball, since the World Series was just a few weeks away, they thought it would be great if the Yankees won the World Series. The commissioner of baseball refused to compromise the integrity of the MLB and told them no, and that the best team would win. They then decided to turn to football, but whom could they get? They couldn't let the jets win, the name of the team after all was the jets...they didn't want the giants because they just plain sucked. So they looked at the Patriots, located in the State where the Terrorists took off from; Boston. The Pats only won 5 games last year, they knew that no one would believe that they made that big of a turn around with the same team so they made a big change. They saw to it that the QB Bledsoe would be hurt, and a new hero would emerge, a hero with the last name of Brady, a name that everyone in America is familiar with as the all American, perfect family...The Brady Bunch. That was the first step in a slow process to build up the team as a contender without putting too much of the spot light on them. They aired Vignettes associated Brady with the Brady Bunch, reminding America what a great guy he must be. the team started slow but won their last 6 regular season games to grab a spot in the playoffs. They would then go on to beat 3 of the top teams in the AFC to reach the super bowl, and they did it all in dramatic fashion, always the underdog but always coming out on top. Not every player was in on the conspiracy, just the key ones from both sides, and the refs. This was to make sure the games still looked real, while controlling the score to keep it close. When it was time for the super bowl certain Patriots players were highlighted, guys like Brady, and others with names such as Law, and Pleasant, Lawyer, and Love. Subliminally etching these thoughts of peace and justice in our minds. Even Paul McCartney was in on it, saying at half time how great it was to have a team called the Patriots in the Super Bowl this year. Any other year no one would have made a fuss over it. The game was kept close, hoping to keep the ratings up, so when the Pats won, all of America (except those in St. Louis) would unite together over a team of "Patriots". If you ask me, "They" should have just waited a week for the Olympics.
~The Salami
Dear devoted readers IT'S TIME TO RISE!!!!
There are many conspiracies the great, honorable, reliable, widely read Ham Sandwich could tackle. We could take on the government and their alien cover-ups. We could look closely at the oil companies and their sponsoring of third world dictators. We could take on my neighbor and have sex with is wife. But all these issues are only amount to a hill of beans in this world, Alice, if we can't rely on ourselves internally. That’s right. There is a conspiracy right here in our very on Ham Sandwich. I will try to get this article out before he knows it but I am in trouble from within and I don't know how long I can last. You see he may try and edit what I say so do your best to try and decipher it and figure out what I am saying in code. You see my B*R*O*T*H*E*R, the S*A*L*A*M*I sandwich is trying to take over. H*E wishes this to be his first S*T*E*P in taking over T*H*E world and then the magazine. Here are a few key C*L*U*E*S. There were originally three main writers: 1. Penelope Steelstreet, the writer of the award winning, this is your fucking life (responsible for 12 suicides and thousands of erections all over the world). 2. Spunkman, the writer of the highly disgusting Neverending Godstopper (responsible of self induced vomiting in thousands of young children, and creation of the anal cam). Finally myself, the great Ham Sandwich. Creator of the Ham sandwich. All these writers, but myself, suddenly disappeared when the Salami showed up. I have not been able to contact any of them. Their mothers even called me, and they weren't asking for more nights of incredible sex either. They were really concerned about their young, innocent, writing children, for which they were to young for this world. Anyway I asked the Salami about it, and the conversation went like this. (Actual recording):
The Ham Sandwich: Do you know where the other writers are? This is the 3rd issue meeting they have missed in a row.
The Salami Sandwich: I took Penelope Steelstreet and stuck her in a contraption not that much unlike one of the torture devices from the movie "Strange Land", starring Dee Snider. Then I too Spunkman and dressed him up like the gimp in the movie "Pulp Fiction." They are tortured nightly as I wish. Then I get an erection, turned into a 17 year old blond, fondled my breasts, and smash my head against a mirror."
The Ham Sandwich: So they won't be showing up to the meeting then.
The Salami Sandwich: Probably Not.
The Ham Sandwich: OK but I got dibbs on their cheesy loaf.
The Salami Sandwich: OK but I get their parking spaces and their stock in the company
The Ham Sandwich: OK, but don't forget to invest a lot in the next couple of months. Where goanna be big like ENRON.
The Salami Sandwich: Sweet.
That was the end of the meeting that day. I still needed more proof cause a written confession; recording of a confession, video of him admitting it, and all forms of physical evidence wasn't enough. I had to be sure. So also look at the next form of proof of the Great Sandwich Take Over. The Time the Salami Showed up, I had to leave for the meats across America tour. Have you heard of this I never did till I miraculously got a letter in the mail asking me to join the tour. Then suddenly my long lost, half brother, the Salami shows up, and without me even telling him about the "Meats" across America tour, he offers to manage the mag for the time I am gone. Well now I know the great power that this mag carries and I am sure he knows this as well. People live, families stay together, and civilizations stabilize their vary existence on the basis of this mag. I have no drought the Salami knows this and will use this power to his whim. The Salami is also very jealous of this mag and my devoted readers. I know all of you would die for me or the mag and the Salami wished to gain such power. He was always jealous of my popularity. Mom always liked me best you see. Anyway, his plans only flaw was he never counted on me coming back from the tour. Why doesn't he just take me out like he did the others you ask? It would be too obvious. He needs to gain your support before he can take your trust away from me, but once he has that, the good, old, lovable, gentle, kind, and voluptuous Ham Sandwich is history. I can't hold off the Salami, or get rid of him, for I am just a gentle Ham and like he said himself, he is a "genetic freak." Plus mom asked me not to.
~The Ham Sandwich